Save Me

I’m having one of those morning where it’s really hard to do the things I’m supposed to do, like respond to interview questions, work on publicity, submit to lit mags etc. I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’m a bit preoccupied so I’m going to blog.

Magnolia is one of my favorite movies, and it has my absolute favorite soundtrack. I love Aimee Mann, and she does most of the soundtrack, so I guess it’s to be expected. On my way to work yesterday, I was listening to my self-compiled Aimee Mann & Natalie Merchant cd, when “Save Me” came on. I think about this song a lot, and what it means in terms of the movie characters in Magnolia as well as the concept of “saving” someone in general. If you haven’t watched Magnolia, I highly recommend it. I also recommend the soundtrack of course. At the end of this blog I will embed the video of Aimee Mann singing “Save Me” as well as list the lyrics.

Perhaps I will do a series of blogs based on the movie songs, since they are so important to me and my recovery.

At times, I wanted someone or something to save me from my eating disorder and all the pain it caused me and those who love me. I was desperate, and I tried many different methods of escape. I thought if I just found the right therapist, if I ate all organic food, if I did yoga, if I immersed myself in feminism, then perhaps I’d be saved. Alot of the aforementioned list is definitely a step in the right direction, but ultimately nobody and nothing could save me, but myself. I had to make the conscious decision to save myself from my eating disorder. This does not mean I woke up one day and was better. It means that I willfully made small steps every day, and they added up. I tried not to beat myself up about my mistakes, and I was open and honest.

It hurt. A lot.

Learning to live without the crutch of my eating disorder was incredibly painful. I cried. A lot. Every time I went to therapy, for about a year, I would walk in and the waterworks would start, and they wouldn’t end until hours after therapy. I had forgotten what it was like to not be numb to the world, and to actually deal with the rawness of my emotions. Everything was magnified.

I learned that this hyperemotionality (I just made up this word) was normal in the beginning stages of recovery, and that my emotions would even out. And they did.

One thing I struggled with was feeling like I deserved recovery, that I deserved to save myself. For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like I didn’t deserve things, like I wasn’t ever good enough. I think that feeling developed long before I had an eating disorder, and I don’t really know why, but it definitely made recovery difficult. Part of me felt like I deserved to suffer, and that I didn’t deserve happiness. When people told me I was a good person, and that I deserved recovery, it was hard to believe them.

We all deserve recovery. We deserve to nourish ourselves. We deserve love and happiness.

Sometimes, well meaning people tried to save me. It is only natural that they would try and do this. If we see someone hurting, we try to help. But, we can only save ourselves. We can help others on their way, but they must do the work themselves.

Ultimately, the only person you can save is yourself.

Along with struggling with the issue of feeling like I didn’t deserve recovery and all that came with it, I also struggled with the idea of being able to love someone else (I’m talking significant other love, not family or friendship). Relationships were scary to me in recovery, due to having to be so vulnerable, open and trusting. I wasn’t sure if I could do this. It’s something I still work on today.

I feel like this post is really scattered, and I hope it makes sense. I might come back and add more later.

Save Me
by Aimee Mann

[Verse 1:]You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet

[Chorus 1:]But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

[Verse 2:]’Cause I can tell
You know what it’s like
The long farewell of the hunger strike

[Chorus 2:]But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

[Bridge:]You struck me dumb like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman

[Chorus 3:]You will come to save me
C’mon and save meIf you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
‘Cept the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
But the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

[Chorus 4:]C’mon and save me
Why don’t you save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone

2 Responses to “Save Me”

  1. imaginenamaste says:

    I love reading your posts…so, I don't know, understanding, real, authentic, make sense? Not sure if that makes sense.

    One of my favorite songs for recovery: Welcome to where ever you are by Bon Jovi

    Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNYQwZDcf1E

    PS–Thanks for reading mine 🙂

  2. Vee says:

    Your post made complete sense. I agree, music is so helpful in so many ways. Sometimes the things you can't say are things a song could say perfectly. I'm going through the crying stage now. I hate it. It's so strange and I feel so vulnerable but I'm so glad you said that your emotions evened out. You give me a lot of hope. I really do love reading your entries, this one especially because everything you wrote today hits home and I feel so alone in this most of the time but it's a good feeling to know I'm not completely alone but definitely sad that someone else had to feel this way. I hope your day got better, btw!<3